Writing should be the right thing to do at times like this.

Not screaming, getting drunk, crying, or despairing.

But I can’t write.

I will smile, breathe, and go slowly.

I found myself lost in a dream. Daydream.

… another wasted dream…

I look at the world and see no understanding…

I look at the world from the points on my computer screen. It’s a big world, with enormous problems, great victories, long miles, and numberless destinies. I can’t accommodate them all in my little mind, but I don’t give up trying.

I can’t imagine the lives of Afghans, trampled by local and global violence. I can’t empathize with the Pakistani scientist, working with nuclear energy. I cannot count the banknotes of a Zimbabwean mother, buying milk for her children.

I prefer to marvel at the skill and fine work of Swedish interior designers, the melodic triumph of Finnish rockers, and the compassion of American aid workers. I want to look at the big world and think ‘it is good’.

It is easy to despair, looking at the big world. A friend said today that Bulgaria is a small country with small problems, easy to solve. I don’t agree. I don’t think numbers and territory determine significance, it is the vision that counts. The vision of improving the self, the world, and all the stages between the inside and the outside. As far as the horizon.

Some dreams are big, and some are small, the old adage goes.

Right now, I have a very small dream. It’s a room with a view, taken from the portfolio of a fashionable Californian designer. Two reclining chairs, facing the window, a fireplace between them, and plants on both sides. I just loved it, was touched by the perfectly achievable combination. Okay, maybe deceptively achievable.

An open fire, albeit not wood-fueled. Soft background music. Damn, another chair…

There is so much I can say, but it is already said.

So…

Redemption – The Fullness of Time:IV: Transcendence

Now
The smoke has finally cleared
And I can see the wreckage of my past that lies about me

Now
It’s all become so clear to me
And I have learned the
Truth behind the lies and seen the lies within the truth

Everything in context finally makes sense
I see the paths I walked
Some I paved myself
Somewhere I went gladly
Some against my will

I
Can leave behind the fear and doubt
And cast aside the shackles and the chains
Of flawed assumptions I learned as a child
I can’t let them distract me
So I’m putting aside the memories
Of the things I never had but thought I always wanted

Now
My notions of what makes relationships have a new light
I have gained an understanding
No more false facades
Covering my feelings
Preventing a connection

Solo: Bernie

I’ve been spending my whole life pursuing those who built this cell
Lamenting all the hateful things that happened to me
Never thought to look at how I might have played a part in what I am
Or what it means to lose the game before it starts

Now I know that I cannot turn back and change the past
And that the only choice to save myself
Is changing what I carry from it
Everything I did to myself
Everything that’s been done to me
I’ll turn my back on that and walk away

And left with only me
At last I see the answer
And what I need to be
Letting go
I destroy my shell
Embrace my heart
And free myself

The choir

(A)
The point of the search, may not be the answer
The value of a want, is not always a need
Still I stand, I’m not going to crawl
Now I know, I’ve got to believe

(B)
Once I was a person without malice
Once my heart bled red instead of black
Openness and introspection now show me the way
To reclaim all I’ve lost and take it back

(C)
You may have taken everything I ever had
But you cannot take my future

(D)
Just release yourself (x4)

All I was and
All I’ll ever be
Finally are integrated
And I am whole again
Now I know the reason for this suffering
I’m a better person for having known the pain

A better person having overcome the pain